Should You Go?: How to Keep Your Newborn Safe & Yourself Sane at Holiday Gatherings Pt. 2

I waited many years to have my daughter and I could probably be accused of being overprotective. I didn’t take her to many social gatherings when she was a newborn because of the waves of illness that cascaded through my family and friends. But I have friends who did schlepp their kids all over the place with no adverse affects, so my way isn’t the only way.

Last week I wrote about how new parents can advocate for their babies’ personal space if people got too close. This week I will cover how to decide whether going to a social event with a newborn is worth it, plus give tips to holiday hosts who want to make their social gatherings newborn-friendly.

First, ask yourself: what is your relationship with the hosts like? Are they normally people you like and who respect you?

You don’t have to take your baby around people who dislike you or merely tolerate your presence. If your mother-in-law hates you, if your dad is verbally abusive to you, you don’t have to see them just so they can have a relationship with your baby. If they mistreat you, they will eventually mistreat your kids.

I say this from personal experience (my great-grandmother was someone my parents should have protected me from), and from the experiences of people I know. My friend’s 15-year-old recently told her that he didn’t miss his late grandmother because every time he saw her, she would denigrate everything about him. She hadn’t realized that her mother-in-law had turned her sharp tongue on the grandkids during stays at her house.

Also ask yourself if the hosts are people who normally have much to do with you. It seems like after your baby is born, everyone wants to see them. And who can blame them? Newborns smell good, allow you to cuddle them without crawling away or grabbing your hair, and don’t require babyproofing. So you can’t blame your mom’s mailman’s stepcousin for inviting you to come over and hang out. If you want to go, don’t let me stop you. But realize that an invitation is not a command performance.

Another aspect to consider is whether you might come into contact with people who are ill. RSV, cold, and flu are all rampant during the holiday season. Does the winter party host practice good hygiene? Do you suspect other Hanukkah party guests will hold your baby knowing that they’ve been sick? It’s okay to skip this year’s festivities if you normally go. It gets hyped up, but there’s nothing special about baby’s first Christmas. My October baby liked staring at the tree, but that was it.

Then comes the scheduling. It may not be worth wrecking your schedule so you can do an annual Christmas brunch or your boss’s cocktail hour. I personally would either skip or hire a sitter because if my daughter’s routine gets messed up, she’s off the rails. An easygoing kiddo might be a different situation.

The final thing I would consider before accepting an invitation is whether or not you actually want to go. I think it’s rude to back out the day of events unless someone is ill, but if you decide you want to decline the invitation, then decline the invitation. If you’re a people pleaser, this may be difficult. If you need permission, this is it. It can be freeing to realize that you don’t need to go to everything.

So how do you say “no”?

I used to say yes to everything. Sure, I’d take on that project at work. Of course you could count on me to help you move and paint. Ill be at your party even though I have to be back at the office before the sun is up. And I ended up burned out. I was also loathe to ask anyone else for help, because  I knew how much it took out of me when I did favors or attended gatherings when I was exhausted.

Luckily, I wised up a few years before I had my daughter. Anyone who is angry at you for saying “no” is a jerk (unless they’ve done you a solid already–then suck it up and at least send over a pizza when they move to the new place).

An invitation is not a summons. And invitation is not a command performance. An invitation is not a mandate. It is a request.

If you can’t go, say so early. RSVP “no” as soon as you know.

You do not have to provide an explanation or a justification for your decision if you think they will disrespect your boundaries and try to convince you.

If you’re not good at saying no, then practice. Try to turn them down through text. “I’m sorry Aunt Jeannie, I’d love to meet your neighbors but it’s just not going to work for us.” “We have plans, but thank you for thinking of us.” “Thanks for the invitation, but that doesn’t work for us this year. Maybe next Hanukkah?”

Another thing for my readers who were raised as female, it’s often expected that the social stuff falls on our shoulders. But I really think that each side of the family should handle their own hen it comes to unpopular decisions. You can’t let your partner make you the bad guy because it’s easier than them standing up to their family.

For the Hosts

How do you lessen the chance a new parent will RSVP “no”?

It hurts when someone says they can’t come and you suspect they can. What, I’m not good enough for you?

As mentioned above, if there is a rift in the relationship already, you may not have a chestnut’s chance on an open fire. But if you are close, what can you do to make your party more enticing?

First, think about the guest list beyond parents and baby. If your party is packed, some parents may not want to bring their newborn. A smaller gathering might make anxious new parents feel better.

What if you can only throw one shindig and the new parents are few among many? Offering a private space where mom can breastfeed or where an overwhelmed baby can calm down is a thoughtful way to ensure they stay at the party for more than a few moments.

Second, if mom is nursing and says she has food restrictions, provide an alternative. No one is telling you not to serve your buttery mashed potatoes or white cheddar mac and cheese, just make sure there’s something there for mom.

Finally, once the baby arrives at the party, make sure everyone is cool about her. That means no playing pass-the-baby for an extended period of time. If you see a grabby guest taking off with the baby and mom is trying to keep them in sight, redirect them back to mom’s side. A friend of mine had this happen when a horde of family members descended on her home right after her Caesarean section. She had to chase them down in her own yard while wearing a bathrobe.

I hope this guide helped first time parents struggling with balancing their new family with their previous social roles. It can be a difficult balance, and it does get easier as you find your footing as a parent.

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