Keeping Your Newborn Safe at Social Events During Flu Season

Last year, 172 children died of influenza. The vaccine is not given to infants under six months. With more babies being born in the months between July and October than any other period of the year, many new babies are ineligible for the flu vaccine. So how do you fend off well-meaning people who want to visit with your child?

Today’s blog is for the mamas who have a hard time standing up for themselves, who need to let their backbone shine, who have been raised to share and give of themselves. Mamas may be expected to extend this sharing to their newborn child, despite the risks of RSV, acute flaccid myelitis, cold, flu, and other outbreaks of illness.

If you feel comfortable allowing anyone who wants to hold your child to do so, read no further. I’m not insisting my way is the right way. I am writing this blog today to help any parents out there who are uncomfortable saying “no” to their sick aunts, to that cousin-in-law who has always given them the creeps, to the pushy lady in Wal-Mart. You don’t have to share your baby, and I’m going to show you how to say “no.”

Find Your Inner Mama Bear

As women, we are conditioned to be accommodating, to share what we have. But that sometimes conflicts with our own wants and needs, including the need to keep your newborn safe from germs during cold and flu season.

The answer is simply to say “no.” To physically push back if they insist upon encroaching your space. This can be very difficult for those who are people pleasers. But as a mother, your number one priority is NOT to make sure those around you are happy, it is to keep your newborn safe and healthy.

This is bad enough when you’re out in public and a random stranger tries to touch your child. The first time you find yourself barking “back off!” at a baby boomer lifting your child out of their carrier, you may be surprised by the strength of your voice. But you are on the right path.

You decide who touches your child. You decide who lifts her out of her carrier. You decide who gets in her face.

If someone bent down toward my newborn, I simply asked them not to do so. Sometimes people let their excitement and love of babies overwhelm their common sense. I had a medically fragile graduate of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), so I was extra vigilant.

If you’re not comfortable standing up for yourself but you don’t want someone getting too close to your child, practice in the mirror. “Please don’t get too close.” “Please don’t touch him.” “Move back.” “BACK OFF!”

The last two may seem extreme, but I live in Florida where the cold and flu season also brings an influx of retirees. I don’t know what it is among this age group, whether things were different in their day or what, but they sometimes feel entitled to grab your child’s hands or to actually attempt to lift them out of the stroller or carrier. Not long ago, my daughter was cooing loudly and someone actually attempted to take her out to shush her! Aside from the fact that she was perfectly fine, my daughter was quite upset by this scary new person suddenly trying to snatch her up. Stranger danger is real for an eleven-month-old.

That’s how you deal with strangers. Much trickier is to deal with relatives and friends.It can be hard to say no to people you care about, even taking the severity of newborn illness into account. How do you say no, and when do you know it’s the right thing to do?

Sometimes you wonder if you’re overreacting. Yes, the Publix cashier works with the public and handles filthy money all day, but you always check out through her and she’s always been kind. I let her hold my daughter and bathed her as soon as I got home.

However, I suffer from anxiety and if I had been having a very bad day, I might have told her no. And then I would have felt bad about that afterward. It’s never harder to balance your wants versus others’ desires than when you’re sharing your child.

If this is your baby’s first holiday season, you may be debating whether or not you should go to all of your usual holiday events. I have a blog post covering that dilemma coming up soon.

At the events you do go to, it can be hard to know who is sick and who has washed your hands. One thing I insisted upon was that everyone who touched my daughter washed their hands right before they touched her. Family members knew I wasn’t kidding around–my daughter spent the first few days of her life in the NICU. I’ve also, to be honest, developed a reputation as someone who will not put up with horrible behavior simply because it comes from family. But what if you’re someone your family has always pushed around?

The answer is simple in theory, but not in practice. Don’t take it. Don’t let them hold your child if they’re sick or if it makes you uncomfortable for any reason.

A few paragraphs back, I suggested practicing in the mirror. I still recommend that. Role playing with a friend or your partner may help, too. Whatever you do, remember that you’re the only one who can be relied on to protect your child. Do not fail them.

It is so hard to get your family to view you as someone who has your own identity, with your own needs and wants that may conflict with those of your family. If the thought of advocating for yourself puts a stone in the pit of your stomach, please seek out a therapist. You deserve to feel heard and respected.

To recap, new parents need to remember:

• You and your partner alone decide how your child is treated. You want people to wash their hands before they touch your child? Insist on it.
• You do not owe anyone an explanation for how they treat your child. You don’t have to elaborate on why you don’t want your two-month-old to try whipped cream.
• Don’t apologize. Learn phrases besides “I’m sorry.” Instead of “I’m sorry, but he’s too young for your five-year-old to hold,” say “I would prefer that Joey not hold him, thanks.”
• Don’t waver. If you don’t want your mom to take the baby over to the neighbor’s house to show her off, don’t say no now and yes later. You’re just training your relative to see that persistence gets her what she wants.
• Don’t feel like you’re being rude. It isn’t impolite to advocate for yourself and your child.
• Don’t feel like just because you allow one person to hold your child, you have to allow everyone. You can draw the line at your family of origin (or close friend, or whomever). Your sister’s mother-in-law will get over it.

If you have a difficult time standing up for yourself:

• Practice in front of a mirror. “I’m not comfortable with you taking her to another room without me.”
• Get on the same page as your partner. If you don’t want Aunt Edna who never washes her hands to snuggle the baby, make sure your partner knows it too.
• Role play with your partner or a friend. You can get feedback on whether the things you’ve practiced in the mirror sound too harsh or too wishy-washy.
• Insist that your partner deal with their side of the family and friends. Only step in with them after your partner has failed to do so. This will hopefully prevent bad blood.
• It may help to make your expectations clear in writing before you attend. “Hey Mom, I’m worried about cold and flu season. So we’re going to babywear and not allow anyone to hold her.”
• If you are still struggling with standing up for yourself with your family and friends, please seek the help of a therapist. Sometimes people are raised in an environment that doesn’t promote healthy boundaries and learning to self-advocate is too difficult. Don’t feel bad.

I’m going to share with you a case study from a friend of mine, “Maggie.”

Maggie suffered from bad postpartum depression. Her mother-in-law came to our city to help with the newborn. This “help” was mostly holding the baby while my friend waited on her mother-in-law hand and foot. Maggie’s milk supply dried up, so MIL was happy to feed the baby formula.

Losing your milk supply before you’re ready to wean can be a terrible blow to a woman. Adding a pushy MIL to the mix prolonged my friend’s PPD. Her MIL invited her sister, who arrived and gifted the new baby boy a bad chest cold.

Maggie was miserable throughout all of these developments, and her mental health (as well as her son’s physical health) suffered as a result. Neither Maggie nor her husband were very good at standing up to themselves during this period of their lives. She still recounts this time of her life with a bitter edge to her voice.

You cannot stop people from attempting to treat you badly. You can only control your reaction to their actions. If you have difficulty standing up for yourself and letting your inner mama bear roar, I hope this blog post helped you. I would love to hear any of your stories about pushy people, and don’t be afraid to tell me if you have any ideas to add. (Or if the idea that a mom would not want people to hold her baby fills you to the brim with rage.)

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