Funniest Christmas Tweets 2018

Merry Blogmas, everyone! I love reading funny tweets and today’s blog will feature some of them. If you’re still feeling a little spooky, here’s the Blogtober edition.

What do I want for Christmas? I just want to EAT MY OWN DINNER without having to get up and get anything, feed anyone, make any more food, or listen to anyone cry.

– Moms everywhere Ohio Mom of Two

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude The Hype

Chocolate covered cherries are the candy corn of Christmas Heather, HBIC

While at the holiday parade this morning I learned that Enter Sandman was considered holiday music by a local frat Nate McGonigal

If internet shopping were like real shopping…

I’d be trapped in a parking lot with filled up carts all around me searching everywhere for promo codes. Girl on Tapas

me: I really can’t stay

him: but, baby it’s-

me: *tail lights* Jo Diggity

A group of male Christmas carolers are called Carlers Jason Lastname

A present so thoughtful–so achingly thoughtful and painfully touching–you wish I hadn’t gotten you anything. Annie Hatfield

What’s a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue JPo

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas. Maybe She . . .

Is anything more awkward than Christmas carolers? You stand there. They sing. No one knows where to look. One Ordinary Girl

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was a weeeeeeird song as a kid bananafanafofisa

Holiday movies other than “Elf” are superfluous. Jake Vig

Welcome to December. You’ll never have enough tape or be able to find the scissors. Abby Heugel

♫ hes making a list, and checking it twice ♪ he’s GOING THE DISTANCE…HE’S GOING FOR SPEED Cat Damon

♪ santa baby, a diaper and a big bushy beard, it’s weird ♫ Andrew

There will never be peace in the Middle East until those who celebrate Toyotothon acknowledge the legitimacy of Honda Days Bucky Isotope

There should be more Christmas tunes about vengeance. Ghost of Mars

No one in my neighborhood has Christmas decorations up. Except me. I’m the King of Christmas. ManofSimplicity

all my son wants for christmas is a happy family so I’ll be in the woods screaming if anyone needs anything Seamus O’Flaugherty

I had to actively restrain myself from sitting on Santa’s lap when I walked by and saw no kids waiting in line. Bee

Christmas lights are my love language. Holly Jolly Hot Mess Mama

Before yelling at someone in retail this holiday season, remember, they’ve been hearing Xmas songs for weeks.

They’ve suffered enough. Skullpuppy11

My next door neighbor growing up had a Catholic dad & a Jewish mom and got gifts for Hanukkah AND Christmas without ever setting foot inside a church or a synagogue. It angers me to this day! Dad and Buried

*donning my gay apparel*

Mrs Claus: this is inappropriate.

Me: and fun, now hand me my beard glitter. Drunk Santa

Festive Dwayne Johnson? More like Jingle Bell Rock Chris Hughes

No matter how many times we tell 2 his name is Santa, she insists on calling him “The ho”

I hope Mrs Claus has nothing to do with coal production They call me “Mommmmmm”

It isn’t Christmas until Michael Bublé sees his shadow. Stephanie Sparkles

firing squad: *loading their rifles*

general: any last words? me: chestnuts roasting on an…

general: OPEN FIRE Mowgli

“What Child Is This” is the theme song to the Maury Povich show Bison

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Only a hippopotamus will do

December 26th: (Looking at a destroyed house with shit everywhere) I did not think that through. Jeff

Gene Autry, 1949: “Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer had a very shiny nose.”

Gene Editor, 2049: “Introducing Rudolf 2.0, which features wifi-enabled antlers and excretes gift wrapping ribbon.” Henpecked Hal

Maybe this is me getting old but it feels like the War on Christmas starts earlier every year.

Give the War on Thanksgiving some time to breathe. GuillaumeNWR

Why does Fox “News” never denounce the greeting “Happy Holidays” as part of the War on Hanukkah?

That’s just as likely as it being a War on Christmas.

In fact, it’s eight times as likely. Victor Laszlo

I just realized I’m the war on Christmas Fox News has been talking about Triston (Grinch)ens

weird how spotify seems to believe that, because i’ve had the michael bublé christmas album on repeat for the last 2 days, i might actually be interested in listening to anything else michael bublé has ever done that is not the christmas album Iris

Santa, I need new friends in my life. Can you put Norman Reedus & / Or Post Malone under my tree this year? Missy

Isn’t there a fairy tale where you go to sleep and it’s winter then you wake up in spring????

Oh, wait. That’s bears. Never mind Cindy

Just realized I forgot to open my advent calendar all weekend so I have to eat *three* chocolates today. Svati Kirsten Narula

forgot to open door one on me advent calendar this morning cos a was too busy giving me cat hers :/ Bekah

It’s only December 3rd and I’m already exhausted from the holidays. Candy Cane Shank

If I visit your home and you have an Elf on the Shelf I am stealing it. EnvyDaTropic

Sorry kids. Santa’s not coming. He’s being detained at the border. Mattzilla

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, Christmas was yesterday. Carbosly

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds M@thew

I’m only here to meet people who live in warm climates so I have places to vacation over the winter. Blue Eyed Girl

 

(I feel so used!)

 

 

Please drop some of your faves below! For more Blogmas posts, subscribe to my mailing list! I’ll see you all on Friday.